My "Workout"

        Earlier this week, my school received some workout equipment from a "Healthy Living for Teachers" grant. We got a treadmill, a stationary bike, free weights, resistance bands, an ab glider, yoga mats, workout DVDs, and one of those back-stretcher inversion table things. Our principal set it all up in our new lounge (we took in an un-used classroom), so now we have a regular little gym!
        I'm off work today. I'm heading to Lafayette later today to serve as MOH in a friend's wedding. After a meeting at the school board office yesterday, I went back up to the school around 6 to get stuff together for my sub. While I was waiting on about 150 copies in the room connected to the lounge, I thought "Hey, this would be a good time to sneak in about 20 minutes of exercise!" I did the ab glider thing for several reps, and then did some resistance stuff. Then I see the inversion table. I thought to myself, "Ok, I'm not actually going to get on this thing, but I'm going to look at to see how it works, so if I want to do it during school, I will know how it works and I won't look like an idiot." I mean, really, guys. What's the harm in seeing how this thing works?
          I walk over to this thing that looks like a standing weight bench crossed with a Chinese torture rack, and I'm checking it out. I look at the foot rests, feel how sturdy it is, check out how easily it inverts.. it moves slowly. I'm thinking, "Ok, so this is like a gradual thing." ...So, I'm looking, and I'm thinking "You must put your feet in here, and it hooks your ankles.., then you grab the handles and gradually put yourself back." I'm feeling of it, and it feels like it raises up a whole lot easier than it goes back. I think to myself, "Ok, I'm just gonna stand on the bottom bar and see how you do the foot thing, but I'm soooo not doing it." So, I put my feet on the foot rest, and I'm standing on the bar. I have this fleeting thought, "Ok, so at this point you must pull yourself backwards with the handles." I briefly glance up toward the ceiling. No sooner than I even THINK about looking up at the ceiling, this thing GRABS me by the ankles, and I am now DANGLING by them with my head 6 inches from the floor!
         My initial thought is "Wow, this feels kinda good!" My next thought is "OMG! I'M HANGING BY MY ANKLES!" My *next* thought is "OMG, IF I FALL I'LL LAND ON MY HEAD, BREAK MY NECK, and DIE!!!" Ok, take a breath.. I think to myself "It's ok, it's ok! This is how this thing works! People do this on purpose! If it goes back this easily, it must come up like nothing!" I grab the handles and try to raise myself up. Nothing. At this point, I begin to panic. What if I can't get up? What if I'm hanging here at 8 AM when everyone gets here? What if I fall and break my neck!? The headlines will say, "Teacher dies upside down in torture rack because of her own stupidity!" Then my internal dialogue is something like this, "You're going to die! You're such an idiot! What were you thinking? Grab the handles lower.. you'll have more leverage. Omg, you're going to die!" I take a deep breath and grab the handles lower and start to pull myself up. Hey! It's working! Until something makes this popping noise and it bangs back down. My left foot comes loose. Now I am dangling UPSIDE DOWN BY ONE ANKLE!
            At this point, I am really about to have a heart attack. I'm locked in this school, by myself, in the almost dark (no, I didn't even turn on the main overhead light!), and I'm hanging upside down, head six inches above the floor, by ONE ANKLE. I wiggle around trying to get my foot back in to try and set myself up once again, and then the inevitable happens.. my other foot starts to slip. BANG. Right on the floor. First thought, "OUCH!" Second thought, "I'm FREE!" Third thought, "Am I dead?" Thankfully, I slipped slowly and I was able to tuck and roll a little, but the stupid thing had caught my leg and scraped this HUGE amount of skin off my leg.
               I somehow crawled away from it and make it back to upright standing position with 100% certainty of two things: 1.) They weren't going to find me dead the next morning, and 2.) I AM NEVER GETTING ON THAT THING AGAIN!

Hope you enjoyed your laugh at my expense for the day!