Suck it, Ohio.

  Today I'm very upset. I wish I had some profoud explanation; some word of wisdom for coping. I don't. I'm just upset.

Keith wants to move to Ohio. I shudder at the thought of Ohio. For one, my family doesn't live there. I know that as a "good wife," I'm supposed to want to pack up and trail my husband wherever he thinks we should go. I know I'm supposed to say, "We've broken away, and we're our own family now." However, I don't feel like moving to Ohio is the right thing. I can't imagine raising a family without my future hypothetical kids having MiMi, Uncle Jim, and Melissa, and Madeline ready and waiting to see them every Sunday after church. I can't imagine my hypothetical children having a childhood where they're unfamiliar with "MaMaw" when she's in the latest years of her life just now. What if they didn't know MaMaw at all? MaMaw was one of the most important parts of my childhood. What if they didn't know Uncle Reggie, Uncle Bubba, Aunt J, or Uncle Stan? No family cookouts on birthdays, and no big Christmases that leave you just as frustrated with your relatives as you are glad to see them...

Second, my job isn't there. I don't have a job that I can do just anywhere. Being certified to teach in Louisiana is just that: certification in Louisiana. It's non-transferrable. What if I had to go back to school? I have a Master's degree for Pete's sake! What if I needed endless tests and periods of audit just to get a job in a place where I would only be for a few years? And on top of that, I LOVE my job. I was lucky/blessed enough to be placed in the single best school in the entire parish where I work. We have the fewest number of discipline problems, some of the highest test scores, and all of my co-workers are amazing -- several of them life-long friends of mine! They lobbied to get me hired in my current position, and I LOVE it. How could I give that up?

I also have a job in my church. My church family is incredibly important to me -- nearly as important as my own flesh and blood family. I work with the youth in my church, and it is wonderful. I enjoy talking to them, taking them places, helping them understand things, and relate to the world around them. My youth are the perfect combination of my job and family. Even though at times (like tonight) they can be infuriating, I still love them, and I wouldn't want to leave them.

And friends? I don't even have friends in Winnfield. I don't find that I make true friends easily. Most of my friends that I hang out with on a regular basis either fall into the church family category (which crosses into my job category, because most of us who work together go to church together as well...) or my former co-worker category. The friends whom I see most often worked with me at CCA. Although CCA is practically defunct now, I still cherish my time with the girls I taught with, or who worked at the school in a volunteer capacity. I see them about once a month, and that is the extent of my "girls' time." That being said, if I can't make friends close to home, where I have connections, how alone am I going to be somewhere where I have nothing?

If I can't work, and I don't have friends, what will I do all day? Will I sit and stare at 4 walls? That sounds horrible.

On the other hand, he's mentioned moving without me. You know, live there 3/4 of the time.. and split the rest with me back here. That thought also terrifies me. I know that probably sounds silly, -- I lived on my own for years before we were married -- but it does. And honestly, I am more scared to stay alone here in W-field than I was when I lived in a bigger town before. What happens when someone breaks into my car on the carport in the middle of the night and I am all alone? You laugh, but it has happened before!

How can you have a marriage with a person who lives a thousand miles away? What would that be like? It seems like it would be horrible, and not a marriage at all. What about those hypothetical kids? No chance of having any if we sleep in separate beds, let alone separate states. And if I did get pregnant? I imagine it would be SUPER fun spending a pregnancy alone, and then raising a kid all by myself. Would the hypotehtical kid even recognize "daddy" when he came home? HORRIBLE.

So yeah, I'm upset today. I wish I knew what to do about it, but I don't. So. *sigh*.. there. Suck it, Ohio.