Dreamin' With Eyes Wide Open..

So, I've been having crazy dreams. Not your typical crazy dreams, such as wandering through a meadow not knowing where you're going, but kind of odd, people-related dreams. I feel immensely guilty about them, because they have been involving ghosts of boyfriends past, and I am (very) happily married for over two years now. But can I control my dreams? I don't think I can, when these people I've dreamt of haven't crossed my concious mind in who-knows-when..

Here's the rundown:

Dream #1 --
A week or so ago, I had the first dream. I was sitting on a couch in an unfamilar room. Medium-toned wood panelling, a green plaid couch.. kind of dimly lit. Coffee table directly in front of me, television in the room, to the right corner directly in front of the couch. Door to the right, Door and hallway to the left. I'm alone in this room. Suddenly, I start to recognize the room. The living room of a family whom I previously adored -- the family of my first high school boyfriend. I do not see his mother, but I feel her presence in the room. He enters from the hallway left, which I recognize as where his bedroom was. He doesn't speak. I do not speak. Dream sequence over.

Dream #2 -- 2 nights ago.
I enter another dimly lit room, different this time. I have an armful of dirty dishes, and I'm heading to what I would assume is the kitchen. I pass a living area, and on the couch, college boyfriend and what my mind has concocted to be his current girlfriend. She looks mean. I walk past them, they are watching tv. I begin to load the dishwasher. They do not notice me until I walk back through the living area. She's angry with me, and I begin to apologize for being there, explaining that we "share the dishwasher," and I do dishes here a couple of times a week.
Immediate fast-forward. I'm dusting a coffee table that appears to be my grandmother's, but in this dark, dungeon-like room.. previously referred to as living quarters. College boyfriend enters. He's happy to see me, but is obviously sneaking around. I realize I'm dusting this coffee table in a strapless dress. I'm thin. I look hot. The can of dusting spray bursts and soaks us like one of those carwash scenes in the movies. Dream sequence over.

Dream # 3 -- last night
I'm sitting in my parents' living room, with the old linoleum from several years ago, and old blue furniture from several years ago. High school boyfriend's mom is there. We're exchanging Christmas gifts. I'm given 4 boxes wrapped in red and gold metallic paper. I open one of them, and it is a gift from high school boyfriend's sister. It is a set of candles that fit together like puzzle pieces; they form a wreath. I only open one of the boxes, as each box contains part of the set. High school boyfriend is there, and he's on my parents' couch. He's angry, arms folded. I approach him, and I'm my high school self suddenly. He's his high school self suddenly, as well. I whisper something into his ear.. he begins to talk to me. No conversation is actually heard. We hug. He cries. Dream sequence over.

What. The. Hell?

LoUiSiAna

Oh, how I love this state!

In no other state, would men wear dresses to honor their hometown team as they go to the Superbowl.
http://www.nola.com/superbowl/index.ssf/2010/01/photos_buddy_d_dress_parade_pa.html

In other news, today was weigh-in. So, 5 lbs didn't fall off instantaneously at any point today, but I did better than I felt. I lost 1.6 lbs, which is better than none, which brought my 3 week total to 9.2 lbs. I am well on track to my month-span goal of 10 lbs, or an average of 2 lbs/week. I am hoping, in fact, to bypass that entirely, and keep up with my current average of 3.06 lbs per week. :) That makes me feel good.

It gets pretty frustrating, because I have been doing everything just right, adding some exercise, finding more reasons to get outside and move around, playing ball with my students at school.. and it just doesn't come off as fast as I (in my mind) think it should. I know it is a physiological process, but somehow, I want quick results. I know I've said so before, but it's still irritating. I just have to keep reminding myself over and over that I didn't gain 40 lbs in a month, and they're not going to come off in a month. I'm also never going to have immunity or a 2 lb pass... I just have to keep doing it the hard way. (And trust me, hard it is.) Kind of like that girl on the biggest loser the other day... "I really feel like just sitting on my butt and eating a cheeseburger."

Well, my friend, sitting on my butt eating a cheeseburger got me here in the first place, so I think I should probably stick with it...

Here goes nothing, for week 4.

Frustrations are Rising

I have been so proud of myself for sticking with Weight Watchers for the entire month of January. As of the last weigh in, I had lost 7.6 pounds. Tomorrow being weigh in day, I thought I would do a pre-weigh in here at home before dinner. I haven't had too much to eat today, so I thought "What better time than now?"

So, I stripped down to the bare minimum (a lot less than I was wearing at the WW meeting I can promise you,) and stepped on the scale. To my dismay, what did I see? The EXACT same weight that I saw last Tuesday.

This I know for sure: 5 lbs better magically fall off before 5:30 tomorrow. Ugh.

...

Today sucked. Plain and simple. Yeah, yeah.. I'm 25.. be more mature. Sorry, amigo. No can do.

Apparently, so I've heard, I'm a pretty lousy wife. I won't dispute this. By no means am I perfect in any aspect, and I am still learning at the wife thing. Yes, I screwed up. Sorry. Unfortunately, however, the hubby is not into speaking to me at the moment. In fact, he went to bed an hour ago. It's 6:30.

Furthermore, when I got to work this morning at 7:55 (with not a moment to spare,) I met a co-worker in the hallway. "Hey, did the bell ring?" "No...." "Who's out in the gym with Stephanie?" "Stephanie who?" "Clark." "Oh, I don't know.. Who's supposed to be?" "You are!" "Wait, what?!"

I was supposed to be at work at 7:15 this morning. At 7:15 I was still in the shower. I hate feeling like a dropped the ball, but luckily it was a rain day, and they went to the gym. They usually behave in there, because they sit down and go back to sleep.

Teacher of the year? Far cry from it. I let the kids listen to music today for about 30 minutes of their hour class periods under the guise of "lyric poetry." (Yes, we are actually in a poetry unit, but no that wasn't in my actual lesson plan.) Hey, it worked. They sat quietly, I worked on grading papers at my desk, we all got our fill of the Friday Flashback on Q93. But I digress...

Anyway, here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day. God knows it couldn't get much worse..

Mental Exhaustion

How is that a 14 year old kid can completely affect my mental state? Shouldn't I be the one that lets it roll off like water on a duck's back? I just absolutely cannot stand being disrespected in my classroom. It completely affects the way I teach, the way the students learn, and the flow of the class in general. It is absolutely disheartening to have someone tell me what they will and will not do, because it makes me feel like I am failing at getting through to that student. It does make me feel better, however, that I am by far not the only teacher (or adult, or human person in general) that this kid completely disrespects. That being said, today was both mentally and physically exhausting. I'm glad that it's almost bedtime, but I have a good bit of housework to do before I get to sleep.

Anyway, in good news, I have started Weight Watchers (again), and as of today, I have lost 7.6 lbs; 4 of those this past week. That's always good. I just hope that I can keep it up! :)

Losing weight is hard, and I find that I have some pretty unrealistic expectations. Sometimes, I think, I just want to say I'm on a diet, and wake up in the morning 50 lbs lighter. Pretty sure that's not going to happen, yet when it doesn't, I'm all disappointed. It's like I think my body should immediately become a miracle worker just because I've proclaimed the "d-word". Maybe watching Biggest Loser on tv has fueled that fantasy-world fire. I was talking with my friend today, and I found that we were speaking in terms of that show. The conversation went something like this:

Steph: "Well, we have weigh-in tonight. What do you think's going to happen?"
Me: "I really don't know. I think I made some good choices, but I don't feel like I did so hot. I think I could have done a lot better."
Steph: "I had a virus for 3 days, and I did nothing but vomit. I'm thinking that 3 days with no calorie intake is pretty good, but I'm afraid not eating and working out may have shut down my metabolism."
Me: "I'm sure you'll do ok. If not, it will probably catch up with you next week. Sometimes, we just have small losses, but then all your hard work catches up with. I think it's the week 2 curse." Steph: "I sure hope so.. I think I've lost about 3 lbs, but I just don't think that's going to be enough!"

Really?! What the hell? In what alternate universe is 3 lbs in a week not good? (For the record, she lost 3.6 -- almost the same as my 4.. and she had on courduroy pants and a sweater! I, on the other hand, changed shirts 3 times to find the lightest one before I went..)

Anyway, I'm hoping this time, I can gain some real insight, change my habits, and make my goal. I won't say what that is right now -- I'm not sure that I even know -- but I think with some patience, and some hard work, I will eventually get where I'm going.

*phew* Time to fold some clothes.

Tell Me 'Bout the Good Old Days..

I spent a few minutes this afternoon perusing the blogs that my friends and I updated regularly when we were in college.

I know this is supposed to be a new year, and on to new things, but sometimes you can't help but think about the past. It's fun, though sometimes heartbreaking, to reach back into a simpler time and see yourself as you were then. The snapshot of myself was circa spring 2006. I was beautiful.

It wasn't a physical image, but something I got to see in my thoughts and words, comments from and made to friends, blogs that friends had written that had included glimpses of the times we had spent together. I was just about to graduate from college (the first time) and the blogs detailed my escapades with classes, friends, theatre, job hunts, apartment searches -- a time that then was stressful, but I now look at with fondness. What I saw was a young, happy girl that was excited (if not a little scared) about the rest of her life. I saw friends that she loved, and that loved her, and supported her with everything they had. What an amazing time.

It makes me miss my friends like crazy. I can't believe that it has been essentially four years since I have seen or spent any significant amount of time with them. Sure, now I have new friends, but when people were such a part of your life and meant so much to you, it's hard not to long for those times, even when you know you can't have them back.